the treadmill diaries

Plaque from the Memory Garden

As expecting parents of our first child, my husband and I were filled with many of the emotions you would imagine – excitement, anticipation, a little self-doubt, fear (especially because of there being two babies) and, of course, a great deal of joy.

But everything changed on May 16th when I was hospitalized with what was initially thought to be a mommy-only issue. That seemingly common, non-threatening issue turned out to be a serious condition that was jeopardizing the birth of our twin boys at 26 weeks into the pregnancy. Unfortunately, it wasn’t discovered that the boys were struggling until it was too late. They succumbed to something called Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) one day later on May 17^th, and we lost them.

This 48-hour period was without a doubt the most hectic, confusing, and tragic time in our lives and will leave us forever changed. We went from what was being considered a fairly routine treatment of a minor symptom to:

• Learning via a standard vitals check-in by a nurse that Julian’s and Micah’s hearts were fine on Monday but were no longer beating early Tuesday afternoon
• Discovering that in addition to the loss of our boys, there were also complications with me that needed to be immediately addressed via an emergency c-section

Due to the drugs and medications I was being treated with, I can tell you that some of the details from that Tuesday blur in and out. However, what I won’t forget is the sense of loss from hearing that our sons were gone. Or the fear that my husband and I were both faced with when I was getting prepped for the emergency surgery/delivery to take care of the symptoms that were concerning the doctors.

I remember crying. Lots of crying. My husband wiping away my tears while the doctors were operating on me. Thinking repeatedly that the surgery was supposed to start our life with our boys, not end it. Bright lights and lots of medical staff in the delivery room. And then, the surgery was over and I was back in my hospital room.

We were given the opportunity (and, in fact, encouraged) to see and hold Julian and Micah. Even though they had passed, the staff’s experience is that this helps with the grieving process. Though I had mixed feelings about it and was still in shock and in pain, I decided that after having them with me for 25 weeks and 6 days, they deserved at least this much from me. To say nothing of the fact that I wanted—and needed—to say goodbye to our sons.

So, I held each of them. And at about 26 weeks & 2 pounds in size, I could see they had their Daddy’s hands, lips and height. That they had my nose and that Julian had my flat feet with my quirky toe that’s passed down from my mother’s side. They were a part of us. They will always be a part of us. Even after having to let them go and say our goodbyes.

Since our last day as a family together, I’m not going to lie…it’s been hard. Very hard for us. We’ve been indescribably sad. We’ve been angry. We’ve been in disbelief. We’ve asked why us. And we cycle through this wave of feelings day in, day out. I’m sure that this will continue for quite some time.

For the most part, we’ve kept to ourselves since Julian and Micah passed – giving ourselves time to work through the loss and giving me time to heal from the surgery. We’ve solicited the help of close friends and family to get the word out to as many people as possible – to avoid having to retell and relive the day and our loss over and over again. We’ve been fortunate to have close friends and family show their support while at the same time respecting our privacy. And, we’ve also been working through the fact that this uncomfortable situation is causing some of those we know to keep their distance from us.

Yesterday, we attended a memorial service (almost two weeks after their passing) with other parents who suffered similar losses. It was another chance to say goodbye to our sons. To plant some flowers in their honor in the memory garden where they’ll rest. To say a few words and to think about what they meant and will mean to us. To start the healing process and look to move forward without ever forgetting how special they were.

I’ve opted to share our loss via thetreadmilldiaries not because I’m looking for sympathy or pity. In fact, pity is the last thing I’m hoping to get from this or, in general, from anyone. Instead, this is an attempt to put what my husband and I have experienced out there so it can be used as a point from which we can heal and begin to move forward again.

I had shared the news and excitement of my pregnancy via this site, providing periodic updates along the way. Now, sadly, I have to tell you not to expect any more of them. However, you can expect that I’ll be looking for ways to get back to things I enjoyed in the past. I want and need to engage in activities that are good for me and our family. I’m seeking to live a good life even after having been dealt such a tragic loss. I’m coming out of this realizing what’s truly important and what really isn’t worth an ounce of worry or thought. My husband and I intend to learn from what’s happened and to use this knowledge in the most positive way possible.

I’ll never forget what’s happened and will always think of, miss, and love Julian and Micah more than words can say. But in their memory and honor, I’d like to move in a direction and live a life of which they’d be proud. Goodbye, boys. We love you.

For more information on TTTS, click here.